Mayor of London
Greater London Authority
The Queen’s Walk
31st May 2013
It has been a while since I applied quill to parchment, please accept my deepest apologies.
I have enjoyed some of your recent escapades, I particularly enjoyed watching Eddie Mair apply some journalism on your ass. I hope your mate gave that geezer the fucking good shoeing he richly deserved.
I have a problem. And thought you’d be just the middle aged straight white man to help. The problem Boris my big blonde cuddly bear is homosexuality. That’s right, I said it, homosexuality.
There is not enough of it going on.
Do you see what I did there I subverted the anticipated direction, very clever, and very postmodern to reference it mid letter.
We all know that homosexuality is fabulous; homosexuals are fabulous, they are stylish, energetic, look after themselves, are creative and make the most wonderful entertainers.
You need to move immediately to promote homosexuality as the ideal life style choice. Think logically, there is a long list of societal ills and woes that you could strike off your to do list if you pushed to enforce homosexuality as de rigeur.
We live in an over populated city Boris; people living cheek by jowl, public transport is a squeeze, schools are overflowing. Yet if there were no children begat for a few years we would quickly decrease the pressure on the NHS, education services, social services, benefit budgets. See, a bit of bum fun starts to make good fiscal sense.
I appreciate that there might be some sections of society that struggle to swallow (excuse the deliberate, and funny pun) this new and exciting policy, but we’ll come to them later. Let’s get back to the positives.
As a public school educated Conservative I am sure you know loads of closeted homosexuals. Just think what a breath of fresh air this would be, they could stop living a lie and tow the party line with gusto. They would carry you on high down Old Compton Street praising your wisdom and bravery.
You might have some religious types that seem to think homophobia is cool. It’s not cool Boris, they need to learn that, and I’d be inclined to put them in prison at the slightest hint of quibbling. Fuck the police, due process and courts, build you own massive gay re-education centre and process them as soon as possible. I have a notion that the Catholics won’t take too long to convince.
Back to the good stuff. Gay tourism – by positioning London as the modern Sodom or Gomorrah (those places sounded like a shit load of fun) you would be able to draw in the pink pound, dollar or rial. Did I mention they are all rich, rich and fabulous?
Do you remember how confusing it was trying to meet women, probably not, due to your sheer animal magnetism? But for some of us it was fraught with anxiety and confusion. Not so for the homosexual. Just think of how easy life would have been if you went out looking for an erotic encounter and it was not dressed up as anything else. There would be less social anxiety, more honesty and openness, and a joie de vivre just lacking thanks to your mate Evil Dave. Splendid, those wonderful homosexuals.
So I hope I have started to paint an interesting picture – the positives far outweigh any perceived negatives, so go on Boris, be brave, embrace homosexuality as the answer to all of our problems.
Love and hugs,