Mayor of London
Greater London Authority
The Queen’s Walk
20th September 2012
I was sat this morning, eating my proletarian breakfast cereal and casually flicking through the latest editions of The Socialist Worker, The Morning Star and Razzle, when I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I feared something terrible had happened.
Flicking on the communal wireless I got the soothing tones of John Humphries, and then I realised what it was. Michael Gove is at it again – ruining lives so that he can win big on Dave’s tick off list of ‘British institutions to ruin within a five year government’
And it set me to thinking as to how you can play a part in this fun and nationwide game. Obviously you had a grand Olympics - passing it off as your idea, that you built the stadia single handed, invented the sports, mined, refined and forged the medals, personally purchased and distributed tickets for all and set the price of all the terrible Olympic Park food at £6.50. £6.50 for a dry sausage sandwich…christ almighty, but I digress.
To keep in the public eye you need to employ two powerful devices:
The popular love of talent shows, and voting for your favourite thing on a Saturday night
The popular disdain for actually voting in democratic, power bestowing elections
In the midst of those two things you can get the public to vote on policy in an amusing and entertaining way.
My suggestion is this – prise Dave’s big book of hate from his clammy mitts – you know, the one where all tories send in their selfish, spiteful, racist ideas, and he then distils them through his special filter of super evil – by talking to Gove about them to make sure they contain the right level of malevolence. The content is just too good to keep to yourselves.
Then you need to be able to share these ideas – my suggestion is a giant electronic scoreboard – physically built in London, and ideas are voted up and down the list by text, phone and internet.
I would suggest blowing up Great Ormond Street and using that site to build the giant scoreboard – no-one gives a shit about ill children anymore do they. Or perhaps the Royal Chelsea Hospital, who really needs all those useless, expensive red coated old gippers.
So the screen goes up, and on opening night you introduce the three hour special spelling out the latest ten ideas for the public to vote on. There can be entertainment between each idea – perhaps you could show a young family being made homeless because of a cap on housing benefit, or how about a young child dying in her father’s arms because her local A&E has been shut…ha ha, bloody hilarious, and so much better than the X Factor.
Through the course of the evening you would spell out the inestimable benefits for those with cash beyond the dreams of avarice, and let the general population how lucky they are not be charged for the oxygen they hoover down willy-nilly.
The votes would come in, be independently verified – but obviously not by any of those dirty European communists and on the Sunday result show the top rated policy would be brutally enacted live on our screens.
And that sir would be democracy in action – I cannot wait to see the cut away to the studio to see all those police officers being made redundant, tanks being sold off to third world despots, and especially all those dirty foreign bastards being put back on the banana boats from whence they came.
It’ll make you famous Boris, more famous than Dave, just think of that.
No fee required for this idea – your lot are so close to ruining everything good in Britain I’m just going to spend this weekend quietly weeping.
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